Desperation Theory
March 14, 2010
When you are offered special treatment, make sure they define special…
The dreadful thing about flying is not your precarious position in the air, or the possibility of mechanical failure, it is the experience of being hearded like cattle. To borrow from David Foster Wallace, it is being made to feel bovine. 
Get in line, take off your shoes, that bag has to be checked and that will be $25 dollars, sit down, eat your slop, and don’t ask questions or we might arrest you. We are so desperate to get where we are going, and safely, that we tolerate the smells, the inefficiency, those sneaky extra fees, the pat downs, even the bare feet on dirty linoleum floors.
Flying to Los Angeles, I was surprised when the stewardess (flight attendant?) whispered discretely to me that there was a bulkhead seat available up front. Ooh, the leg room! I took her up on the offer, only to spend the next 6 hours next to the bathroom. I tried desperately to ignore the steady parade of rear ends in my face, an experience which brings new meaning to the phrase “cheek to cheek.” I employed yogic breathing exercises to avoid inhaling the E. Coli spores wafting about. I hummed, I fidgeted, I passed on the microwave quote unquote cheeseburger.
When we landed, the young man next to me kissed his hand and raised it to the sky, attempting a private moment of gratitude. I also thanked Quien Sabe, happy to be on the ground, not taking for granted that no major disasters had occurred. I’ve been on flights where people clapped for the captain. But I’m like a dog that needs to be walked; I can’t sit still that long, so I was mostly grateful to stand up. I wasn’t alone, either, as everyone sprang to attention when that seat belt light went off.
One trick I used to distract myself from the bowel movements of my fellow passengers was to create band names. I’m compiling a master list so I stop forgetting them. It’s short so far, but I encourage suggestions. And I can’t take credit anyway, as most of them came up in conversations with friends. A communal copyright, if you will.
Desperation Theory 
Sospechosos
That Shit’s So Brooklyn
Whutsisface
Bravo! Samson
Careful with Money
Scatter the Ashes
The Filth
Ladeeda
Tiger Wash?
Cabin Libre!
Kattle Kardashian
Projectile Runway
Ladies and gentlemen, Spanx in the First Class toilet only
Welcome to Marina 5 Del Rey
Ode to the Russian motor industry.
I understand you Julia.
Once I went on work in other city together with my friend. To point of destination was about 600 km. We have gone by its car which by the way, was not new. The road has occupied about 8 hours, but…
I have recollected all swear words which knew with reference to the Russian car.
We spent the night in the car too, on one of city streets.
One my foot was in a window, another in salon in unnatural position. To tell that all my body has become numb – not to tell anything. It was the horror.
On the way back at our car the muffler has fallen off. And about it the passengers in the car overtaking us have cried out)))))
In general, after returning home I was happy that we have simply returned.
Though now I remember this travel with a smile)))
“Tiger Wash” is correct.
It can be so easy to learn German.
My band names wold be:
Toothbrushs for Hippos
Sympathize with Sloths
Greetings from Frankfurt!
Michael
Long time fan, first time reader and I was right: you are a good writer.
P.S. – Just watched Mona Lisa’s Smile and who is that dashing young man who plays your husband? What a find.
The Flight could have been alot worse, they could have shown “Weekend at Bernies II” as the in-flight movie!
On the matter of band names, here in England pub bands tend to have the daftest names, so with that in mind I’ve always thought that you can never go wrong with;
Monkey Tennis
2 Hot 2 Handle (“down with da kids” by using “2″)
Fruits of Eden
Pappa & The Naughty Girls
Select Few
Was on a plane twice in my life in 1989, hated it.
As for the parade of butts, you could have ranked them 1 to 10, do a statistical analysis, write a theses…the possibilities
are endless!
Oh..band names…Shot Glass…Prussian Percussion…String Theory…The Snipers…Head Hunters…Vegetarian Cannibals…
I see what you mean, this is kind of fun when you run out of Sudoku or Ken Ken puzzles.
I love playing the band name game. I had friends from Nashville who were in a band called Scatter the Ashes
flight attendant humor at it’s best! ha!
they have exxons in germany? maybe try clean tiger has a better ring don’t ya think?
I had a rough weekend, and your rough flight was the perfect antedote! Thanks, Julia.
Here are my band names:
Mail-order Lobotomy (in trhe sprit of Spinal Tap)
Death by Habaneros (from a t-shirt)
Rats in a Cage (in the spirit ofSmashing Pumpkins)
Shoulda used tha Shotgun
Charge of the Village Idiots (thanks to Plato and Homer Simpson)
Didn’t Stay in Vegas (commercial)
Myst the Audition
4th Chord Deficiency (thanks to Tom Harrison)
And here are the ones your blog inspired:
Tongue n’ Cheek Band Names:
Air Travellers’ Union
Smells like Cheeseburger
Farts Too Loud
Shoulda Skipped tha Chilli
Fish Happens
Diary of a Frequent Flusher (sounds best when drunk)
Enjoy!
Just some quick and spontaneous band names:
Unheard Of
Not My Day
Torrent Syndrome
If I were you I’d rather be me (from a T-shirt)
Life is only one (inspired by a sign I saw in South Korea)
I really enjoy your blog and the photographs!
- Regine
You’re so right Julia. Airports are one of the few places left in this world where we’re all still treated equally. (like sh!t) =)
My band names: (no copyright infringement intended if these already exist)
lovesick
sucker punch
inevitable disasters (debut album to be named “welcome to my life”)
As you step out of the cab you’re still a human. Between that moment and the gate it’s about degrading you as a person as they push you through some a farcical ritual called security to make sure you didn’t brush up against two pounds of semtex en route. Meantime God knows what’s in the check in luggage, the freight, the hamburger buns etc. By the time you step on board, you are now a piece of “self-loading freight”. Sit down, shut up and don’t speak until you get off. It’s such a hoot.
As for band names here’s a couple to consider:
Self Loading Freight
Biggles & The Demerits
Skylo
Man that sucks. Flying is has gotten to be the worst experience ever. If it’s not one thing it’s another, like a middle seat and two oversize upper arms pressing against my shoulders last week.
Anyway try http://www.seatguru.com great site can tell you what the best or “better” seats are on all planes, airlines and flights in first, business or economy.
Band names:
Smashed potatoes
Die Hispter Die
Google my A$$
Last stop on the L … (if you can get there)
I know a great bandname
“Anticipate Kindness”
They write songs about people wanting to be less judgemental and cynical, and more ‘googley-eyed’. Would you buy their records?!
Yo se.
People used to dress up before taking a flight. That’s how unique it was. The uniqueness now is the raw feeling of being treated equally. We’re all terrorists, hijackers, stupid drunks, overbearing idiots, and (yes, unfortunately, but maybe we should be happy because others will learn from it) screaming babies. It’s while we’re wandering through this morass that, when we’re lucky, we find the gems of humanity that we remember long after dehumanizing insanity has been forgotten. For our own betterment, it might be good to remember both. That’s the engineer getting a thought through.
And… there’s still that part- flying into a sunrise or chasing a sunset; flying into LA at night. It’s nice to remember we’re still small.
Here (perhaps) are some titles for the first album:
JetBlue Terminal Terminal Blues
Parade of Posteriors (Please, No Cheeseburgers)
Your Seat is also a Flotation Device
Stuck on the Tarmac for Three Hours with You
The FAA Took My Airplane Away
I liked the Quien Sabe comment, funny. The E. Coli comment got me thinking beyond the health hazards of public transportation (which JAMA recommends only bottled water for air flight, wonder why….) to sustainability of air travel. The triple bottom line (social, environmental, financial) is being pushed in all major airline companies but not surprising the internal social dynamics are over looked. Maybe instead of a carbon offset there can be a social offset that you pay the airline just to be treated nicely?
Studies indicate that aviation is currently responsible for 3% of global carbon dioxide emissions and air travel is only becoming more popular. In 2006, about 750 million people boarded commercial aircraft in the United States which could increase tenfold between by 2050. Traveling 2,000 miles in an airplane emits approximately the same amount of carbon dioxide as driving 1,900 miles in a mid-sized car. However, Greenhouse gases emitted from airplanes have particularly damaging effects because of the altitude at which gases are released because significant proportions are emitted directly into the upper troposphere and lower stratosphere where they have a direct impact on atmospheric composition. But you can purchase carbon offsets to help counterbalance the trip. Example: A roundtrip ticket for Minneapolis to New York City (2400 miles of air travel) would cost about $12.00 to offset the flight, of course this is easier said than done (not sure if anyone really cares though).
As for bands, well……….the medically silly – Dysphonia / Acoustic Dysrythmia / Cochlea. There is the country option – Some ‘Beech’. For all categories – Branded. The cool option – Estrada (for the Erik fans). But I like the band names that reach for something deeper (ha ha). I cannot help thinking of someone asking who is this playing on the radio and you reply “Who Cares” or “Not Sure” and where the conversation goes from there. Maybe those are not the best band names as descriptions of musical style but they damn sure would be funny.
Curiosity killed the cat (another possible band name) any E.T.A. on the video from Costa Rica?
Beyond the flight, hope you had a good trip!
Happy Birthday!
That’s a terrible name for a band.
These are all licensed under the Creative Commons “Attribution Share Alike” license (cc by-sa). So, feel free to use any. (http://creativecommons.org/about/licenses)
Ten Cheeky Monkeys (not to be confused with the “2008 Britain’s Got Talent” diminutive participants)
The Traveling Hydro-sulfides
Los Pedorificos
Intestinal Distortions (A cover band. Best known for their rendition of “Smells like teen spirit”)
And last, but certainly not least,
The PhArts (A Puerto Rican Salsa-fusion band. So, “the h is silent…but deadly.” Their quote, not mine.)
Thanks, folks! I’ll be here all week. Tip your waiters!
Paz. I’m out.
PS. Chacho!!! I thought my people can party, but your people can REALLY party! Holy Mole! Just in case you missed the proceedings while in LA:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/op204/sets/72157623526523519/
bombwraps (interchangeable as a name of a sandwich shop)
I few to DC and back last Thursday, and I did feel a bit bovine’y.
Stomping Gravy
How about the old wavy gravy
I had a similar experience. I was coming back from a hellish work trip from China. Nothing had gone right on the trip, and I was not ready for the 16 hour flight home. I thought my luck had turned as the counter agent said she could put me on the aisle of the bulkhead. I just kept thinking to myself more leg room and a whiskey induced sleep, yippee!
As soon as we took off and the seat belt light was shut off, everyone head to the bathroom. It was 16 hours of asses of all shapes, sizes and smells. My mistake was to ask the steward if he could do something to counter the persistent smell. He sprayed something that was flowery and sweet. I hate to be graphic but a rotation of floral, crap, floral, urine and human flight stink was killing me. Music, movies, magazines nor my book could distract me. I sat there with waded up tissues in my nose.
I must have really wronged someone to be put through bulkhead seat hell.
I’d vote for that band name!
The perfect band name? The Frush Heart
“Frush” is an English word (now obsolete) that, used as an adjective, means easily broken, brittle.
["Frush" can also be a verb (to break into pieces), or a noun (the frog of a horse's hoof - i.e. the elastic, bony part of the middle of the hoof).]
Band nane: Flaming conservatives…(or conservatives in flames depending on you political bent.)
One Base on an Overthrow
(for those of use who remeber endless kickball games in third grade)
What about the last 90 seconds of this videoclip:
As a kid, I loved flying as a passenger. As a young adult, it was ok. Now, at 40, I hate it. The romance of the experience has disappeared. As a result, I’ve decided to fly myself, though this is an expensive option. I love flight, but only when I am in control.
As for band names:
Ambient Molasses
Gravy and the Lumps
Someday I’m going to get a post through the gate of moderation.
So here’s my band name:
Lover’s Remorse
I think it works. Imagine: And the Grammy for best new group goes to…Lover’s Remorse.
Hmmm…I’ve paid extra in the past for that seat, for the legroom. Smell vs being scrunched up on a transatlantic flight? I’ll always take the smell. Bad odors probably won’t kill you — but deep vein thrombosis might.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but “Jethead’s” new post about air traffic control really ought to get people talking about air-travel safety.
I hadn’t considered before the (now obvious) difference between the two-dimensional world of an air traffic controller and the moving, three-dimensional world of the pilot, as seen from yet another two-dimensional radar screen.
Buffalo Cakestack
(Courtesy of my 7 year-old niece. That’s what she thought the BC on my Brooklyn Cyclones cap stood for. Kids!
)
Did you know there’s a band called “Kinky Spigot and the Welders”? How funny is that!
PS. Have a great opening (and run) of Persephone @ BAM!
I concur with W’s Conan’s video clip posting on 4/10/2010. My disclaimer is that I’m an American Airlines crew member who frequently flies between LAX and JFK.