Anticipate Kindness
February 17, 2010
It’s fashion week here in New York City. (Keep reading, there’s more to this than clothing).
The fall collections are still during winter, so there are a lot of chilly people in Bryant Park. I went to a show the other day when there was no slush on the ground, but I still worried about falling. Like many a lady, I enjoy watching an array of pretty clothes paraded just out of a sensible price range. I enjoy an excuse to get gussied up. I do not enjoy, despite my chosen profession, the slight tinge of dread that goes with being photographed. It feels like a lot of worry over something inane; it feels like a waste of energy; it feels self-absorbed, and just not, well, cool. 
I’ve had a few female friends ask about fashion week, with looks of girlish excitement in their eyes. I catch myself dismissing it self-righteously, and think what a fool I am to deny this fun perk of my job. Many a chick can’t imagine owning a pair of designer shoes, let alone a rotation of borrowed and returnable items so one never gets bored. And it’s easy to feel guilty for this kind of experience. How many water purification tablets could fit into one Christian Louboutin shoe? (That’s figurative, but the answer is a lot if you count the four-inch heels).
My real reason for minimizing the hoopla around Fashion Week is maybe less noble; its just plain old defensiveness. If I value this amorphous entity known as The Fashion World, then I value its valuation of me. And thus the needless, silly anxiety.
Cue the silliness…
A journalist at the show had time for one question. He looked at me with a straight face and asked, “Spanx or Thongs?” No joke.
Here’s what went through my mind in the following 10 seconds: “Is he being serious?…How can I answer this without sounding like a fool?… “Thong” sounds slutty and desperate; “Spanx“ is likely to end my career… Tell the truth… WHAT?! I can’t believe I’m even thinking about this… Do I respond in earnest? I don’t want to be mean… Am I devoid of a sense of humor or was he raised in a barn?” Remember, we are strangers at a fashion show, not besties at a slumber party. Another journalist asked me what products I use to defrizz my hair, because “the world is dying to know,” she said. And we wonder why there are so many out of touch actresses/pop stars/ famous-for-no-reason personalities out there who are off their rockers? “I’m pretty sure the world is not dying to know,” I told her. And then I felt like a bitch. 
At the Chinese New Year parade in Chinatown on Sunday, these guys in dragon costumes dance through the very narrow streets to ward off evil spirits. (I think I might have made up that symbolism). Then someone holding a stick dangles a cabbage in front of the dragon, taunting it. Finally, the dragon gets the cabbage in his mouth, only to spit it back at the crowd. Next up he is offered some oranges, which everyone knows are way more tasty than cabbage. But the dragon spits those out too. Spitting the oranges out could simply be more festive, because all the kids gasp in wide-eyed surprise. If I had to make up a deeper significance, though, it would be that this dragon is hard to please.
I read a column by an author named Darren Littlejohn. He advises us to “anticipate kindness.” Sure, it’s cute and wide open to interpretation, but I think I’m going to try that in this Year of the Tiger. Instead of anticipating judgment, instead of assuming I know the outcome, I’m going to take Littlejohn’s advice and anticipate something a bit more positive. I want to be less savvy and more naive. I want to be less cynical and more googley-eyed.
So I’ve changed my mind about the dragon. My guess is he decided to share the oranges with those kiddies, even if it was just to hear them giggle.
Hello Julia, I´m From BraZil, and just Found ur blog now, and i´m so glad to be the 1° person to comment today ^^…
Nice Pics, now i will follow you here in ur blog … see Ya !!
-=Z=-
I just happened to come across your blog, and had a good laugh at your encounters with the “journalists”. I think they really believe that the public in general is waiting with bated breath to learn what other people wear as underwear, or what hair products are used…
You have my sympathies.
Next time a reporter tells you that people are dying to know something so they can be just like you, you should respond “Tell them to read a book. That’ll get them closer than de frizzing their hair will.”
Your views on that side of the job are one of the things I like about you. To many celebs seem to get caught up in it and take it seriously. Looks like you talk it all with a grain of salt.
Which is awesome!
Julia, it isn’t a privilege to wear Louboutins. Lots of women in New York wear them. God knows I bought enough of them for my ex. I earned well because of my talent, she loved them, I loved her loving them. Likewise, you have access to beautiful things because of your gift and your choices, not because you’ve arrived somewhere based on nothing. But surely fame has its prices, and one is politeness. However ill-behaved and inappropriate a journalist, she does have a right to expect common courtesy. It’s your business. Acting doesn’t stop on set or stage and on the promotional tour. As for those tent shows, they’re exciting and fun. So is Chinatown on New Year’s. Good for you for wishing to be naive and googly-eyed. Being an innocent means being hurt, and often. Those who choose to be open choose wisdom…and pain.
Hey, given the obesity epidemic in the US of A, anything that encourages women to care about what they look like is OK with me.
To any girl who aspires to look like a model (or a movie star) I say…good for you!
(not that I’m chauvinistic or anything.)
I really like this piece.
I have nothing profound to add.
Hi, Julia.
Just has read all blog and has been pleasantly surprised. On the one hand, simplicity of your soul, with another – depth of thoughts has amazed.
It’s very pleasant to learn that to the known person it’s not alien neither compassion too, nor a pain or usual human pleasures.
It would be desirable to learn about your preference in art, music, the literature…
Have you any acquaintances or friends in Russia?
What do you think about a difference of mentalities of people in the countries? All of us are equal or…?
C наилучшими пожеланиями, Денис.
With the best regards from Denis.
Here’s an answer for the next time you run into that intrepid reporter guy (or any fashion reporter like him), courtesy of an ex-girlfriend:
“For me, comfortable is sexy” (her words), to which you could add “take from that what you will” (my words). You see, the ex-girlfriend had a major hate for thongs, which she referred to as ‘wedgiewear’.
BTW: This may sound incredibly naive, but what what the hell are Spanx?
I Do take some personal enjoyment out of watching fashionista journalists talking about fashion like it’s on par with a global pandemic disease outbreak,like your answer will solve the worlds problems in an instant. I Don’t think you should put Yourself down like you did, refering to yourself as a bitch, because all in all, your answer was a fair enough reply to a question that was so over the top…no offence Julia, but I’ve never wondered what you use for de-frizzing your hair, nor has anyone else I know of. So your response to something so false was accurate. Good on you for being Yourself.
What you said about being less cynical I can relate to personally. I’ve found that I accomplish more in life when looking at things a bit more naively and blocking out the negative points. It’s hard to do if I’m honest, because you always feel like your being “played” so to speak by the world, but as long as you keep a sense of perspective and ballance about it all, it will work out in the long run.
Enjoyed the blog and hope the positive thoughts stick around!
Oh God… We journalists owe our reputation to guys like that. I wonder what would be my first question had I been in the same case. Maybe I’d accept an autograph, just to be a bit different from the guys of your sketch.
A fascinating account from a fascinating person…but I am not sure about your conclusion.
Are you planning to anticipate kindness from The Fashion World? I think you might have a chance with the dragon, but the fashion world??!!!
I am reminded of the old quip: just because you are paranoid DOESN’T mean that people AREN’T out to get you. If your anxiety is “needless” and “silly”, it must be because your career will survive an occasional bad fashion review, not because you won’t sometimes get one and not because you wouldn’t get more bad reviews if you slackened off your fashion efforts. (That, to be clear, is a comment on the fashion and entertainment industry, not a comment on your fashion sense.)
“Anticipating kindness” may actually be a good psychological strategy, but not because of the love flowing out of the fashion industry; it is because the lack of kindness may not do you a lot of harm in this instance, so relaxing your defences may make for a more pleasant life. But maybe that is what you mean…
By the way, I disagree with Dan above when he says: “However ill-behaved and inappropriate a journalist, she does have a right to expect common courtesy.” It is true that there may be a price to be paid for conflict with a reporter and you have to decide whether it is worth it. But that is a matter of calculation, not a matter of a reporter’s right to consequence-free intrusiveness. Being an actress doesn’t mean you give up your rights as a person.
I don’t think you should feel “like a bitch” for injecting a note of realism into the discussion with a reporter. You are not required to validate every idea that comes gushing out of a reporter’s mouth. If honestly stating your own thoughts rather than reflecting back those of others makes you feel like a bitch, then I suggest that you spend some time nurturing your inner bitch. The world has an excess of vapid reporters and a shortage of thoughtful actresses.
Postscript.
For another perspective on the fashion industry, much more vicious than one normally finds in a newspaper, you might find this recent piece of interest:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/georgepitcher/7240593/Its-sad-that-Alexander-McQueen-has-died-but-fashionistas-are-just-freaks-there-Ive-said-it.html
I think you need to take a break Down Under and escape the harsh New York winter. Down here in thongs are flip flops, no-one has heard of spanx, journos leave you alone unless you go looking for them, cynicism is regarded as spor and while we like fashion, it’s easier to find a live dodo than a pair of Christian Laboutin shoes.
So I’m glad something positive has come out of your Fashion Week experience. I think it was Carl Jung who used the phrase “Unconditional Positive Regard” for how he regarded each of the people he met in his life. I know that’s a challenge with journos who want to know “thong or spanx” but I think it’s a test of intellect to refrain from beating the crap out of someone and hold them in positive regard no matter how dumb their questions are.
I how everyone but one person who responded to this entry is a man, or at least listed a traditionally male name. Anyway, that’s how you get ‘em. Spanx and thongs–who knew??
You should have asked the dragon; ‘Cabbages or Oranges?!’
I’m dying to know!
Well played, Julia. And thanks for the conclusion–anticipating kindness. What a good idea.
The famous Bill Clinton ‘Boxers or Briefs’ question…..I didn’t like it then nor do I like it now. I do not like questions that snare the unsuspecting into a response. How do you answer such a question, even if you ignore it you are still on the fence? But what do I know?
I read Mr. Littlejohn’s article and enjoyed it (thanks. I have struggled to live life by the ‘golden rule’. I handle some situations the best that I can and still lose my composure. Even the most trying of situations there is something to learn, assuming I can get my ego out of the way. Some mistakes I am doomed to repeat. I can be angry with others but I must only be upset with the one person I have control over (me). Of course upon self reflection I find that I am looking at all my faults and forgetting that even failing can be a positive, a cyclical effect that can build a wall of defensiveness. I ask myself every night all the ‘good things’ I experienced that day and find there was a great deal I overlooked. Hopefully this analysis will prepare me to be more able to ‘anticipate kindness’ instead of expecting the worse.
Long ago there was a Chinese legend that said that a terrible monster (pictured sometimes with features of a lion, unicorn, and ox), a giant by the name of ‘Nian’ lived in the mountains and would come down at the end of the year to terrorize people and animals or even kill them all.
The lion’s dance is performed to chase away ghosts and evil spirits, and since the monsters, ghosts, evil spirits and giants like Nian are afraid of loud noises, the dance has become a natural complement to the fire crackers’ noise. Clashing cymbals, a gong and drums usually accompany this lively scene. The lion’s every movement has a specific musical rhythm. The lion dance combines art, history and kung fu moves. Normally the performers are kung fu practitioners, and a group of Lion Dancers consist of about 10 people. The lion dance is often mistaken as a dragon dance. An easy way to tell the difference is that a lion is operated by two people, while a dragon needs many people.
The dramatic climax of the Lion Dance is the “Cai Qing” or ‘Picking the Green’. The green here refers to vegetable leaves or cabbage which is tied to a piece of string. The lion eats the offering, chews them to music, finally spitting out the leaves. This is a symbolic act of blessing by the lion, with the spitting out of the leaves signifying that there will be an abundance of everything in the coming year. The lions are normally awarded with customary gifts like oranges symbolizing wealth or mandarins/ tangerines symbolizing luck.
If only all the dragons of the world shared their oranges……. maybe a gift basket of tangerines will be a help for Spring Training.
Xin Nian Hao
Spanx for Men!
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/fashion/2010/02/18/2010-02-18_spanx_for_men_is_here_inventor_of_power_panties_launches_shapewear_line_for_guys.html
So, the Drumadics were playing @ the Union Square Station this past Saturday, and I asked them if they would play a little something for me. Here’s their performance.
Enjoy.
PS. More info @ http://www.drumadics.com
To anticipate kindness, use drugs:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/12/science/12psychedelics.html
I just found your blog and i find myself very impressed by your wit and observations. And I liked the fact that you used the word “gussied” which I don’t come across often.
Many years ago, in Spanish class, we had to debate whether we would like to be a celebrity, just for one day. I adopted a hardcore stance and rejected celebrity altogether – if in anticipation of such a scenario as you described it, I do not know; I don’t think I can justifiably claim to be so wise.
Either way, I am quite grateful not to have to even contemplate answering such a bizarre question, not even in jest, as I’ve taken to doing in most other contexts: I just pretend any given question could not possibly have been serious, so I usually shift into fun-poking mode, producing a joke or some other non-serious remark. (For a celebrity, though, this might again be a rather dangerous policy). So I’m just really sorry you have to deal with such awkward situations, simply because our world has produced “journalists” thinking this would interest the world as much as, say, a bill passed in Congress. (And the saddest thing is that this might even be true of some people.)
About your anticipating-kindness strategy: I have a friend who actually makes it work, not because she has adopted it as an attitude to life, but simply out of the goodness of her naive (in a good way!) heart. That might actually be why it works – her interlocutors are so glad to talk to someone who is so genuinely non-paranoid that they forget their own paranoia for a while.
I hope your kindness-anticipating outlook on life will be richly rewarded!
Best wishes,
Judith
P.S: Love the expression on the cat’s face. Maybe you should try that on the next reporter asking you a mortifying question.
enjoyed that little foray into what goes on in your mind when confronted with the 10 second journalists…
i maintain that a lot of the people in the public eye who come across as stupid and vapid do so at least in part because they’re asked the stupidest and most vapid questions.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/08/us/08canton.html